Last lesson we looked at some examples of conflict that we could use as a starting point for our creative SAC in week 4. Look again at the PowerPoint (it should be working now) and see if you can remember the narrative I created, just by looking at the images.
Now, we finished the class by saying that your homework was to find a stack of images that will form the basis of your narrative. We agreed that you needed to decide on three things: the type of conflict; the characters involved; and the setting the conflict occurs in. And I provided a list of questions that you must be able to answer about each of these things in yesterday’s class notes.
For today’s class I want you to continue with a descriptive narrative writing exercise. Your image plan still needs to be completed by next week but for today I would like you to complete the writing task below. It should take you approximately 40 mins. You should aim to write one good size paragraph, once you have gone through the first part of the task.
Writing Task 2: Descriptive Narrative
This is like a normal story or narrative but the emphasis is about recreating a moment or series of moments with the aim of powerfully constructing images through the use of effective descriptive language. You should not tell the ‘whole story’ but instead focus on transporting the reader to certain moments in the story of particular importance to the narrative- usually where the tension is high.
Your aim is to ‘paint a picture with words’ with a focus on
- Creative and potent use of adjectives and verbs
- Use of figurative language
- Creative and potent use of adjectives and verbs.
Adjectives– descriptive words that give more information about an object (usually a noun). Adjectives modify (add meaning) to nouns and pronouns. With adjectives we can visualise things more clearly. Use specific and interesting adjectives rather than general ones.
Specific: adventure book, bedside lamp, oak tree, skiing holiday
General: new book, old lamp, large tree, interesting holiday
When choosing an adjective, look at the range possible: blue, pale blue, sky blue, aquamarine, cobalt
Verbs– A verb is a part of speech that expresses an action or state of being. It is the most important word in the sentence. Every sentence must contain at least one verb or its message will be incomplete.
Action Verbs: Physical actions-The cat climbed the tree. Mental actions-Mum worries about us.
2. Figurative Language
- Simile– comparisons using like or as e.g Chris was as fast as a speeding bullet.
- Metaphor– is the concept of understanding one thing in terms of another e.g Chris was a speeding bullet.
- Personification– A description of an object as being a living person or animal as in: “The sun shone brightly down on me as if she were shining for me alone”. In this example the sun is depicted as if capable of intent, and is referenced with the pronoun “she” rather than “it”.
Writing Activity: The Five Senses
Describe a conflict you have been involved in – either as a participant or as a witness. What did you see? What did you feel? How did you respond? How did you feel afterwards? What would you change if you could? Post it on the class blog and ask others to respond to it. (You will need to do a rough plan of your ideas before you start writing.)
You are to write this in first person, present tense. Remember to use creative and potent use of verbs and adjectives.
First –
- What do you see?
- What do you hear?
- What do you smell?
- What do you taste?
- How do you respond?
Example
I see black coffee splattered on the wall
I see eyes wide, filled with terror
I hear the clumsy stomp of feet on creaky floorboards
I hear a low pitch growl
I hear panicked cries
A hard knotted fist hits my cheek
I smell rancid sweat
I taste acid bile
I feel my hopes crushed
I brace my shoulders instinctively and close eyes as though I might be able to hide from the inescapable.
Next –
Try to come up with a metaphor/simile/or personification for each of these sensations.
I watch black coffee splatter across the wall like an exploding oil well.
Her eyes were wide like flying saucers.
I hear the low-pitch growl; she is morphing into a zombie before my eyes
Defeat winks at me before crushing my hope into a thousand pieces.
Now –
Use as many of your descriptions to create a descriptive narrative called ‘The Fight’
Just launch straight in – no back-story or explanation needed
EXAMPLE
Smash! The hard-knotted fist hits my cheek like a wrecking ball slamming into a building. I watch black coffee splatter across the wall like an exploding oil well. My wife lets out low-pitched growl; she is morphing into a zombie before my eyes. I look up and see Miranda in the corner; her eyes are wide like flying saucers. I hear a panicked cry in the pit of my stomach waiting to explode and it takes every scrap of energy I have to show no emotion. I taste acid bile rise in my throat as I back slowly away from the monster that is my wife, then it happens – I hear the clumsy stomp of dead feet on creaky floor boards above and realise she didn’t come alone. Defeat winks at me before crushing my hope into a thousand pieces. I brace my shoulders instinctively and close eyes as though I might be able to hide from the inescapable.
EXTENSION ACTIVITY
Now, you have written your first descriptive paragraph in the first person present tense, have a go at re-writing it in third person omniscient. Look at how I have changed the example paragraph below and see if you can do the same.
Smash! The hard-knotted fist hit my cheek like a wrecking ball slamming into a building. Black coffee splattered across the wall, it looked like an oil well had exploded. Jenny lets out a low-pitched growl and looks at Chris in despair; the sight of her hands morphing confirms the worst – she knows it is only a matter of time before she is no longer human. Chris looks back at Jenny in the corner; her eyes are wide like flying saucers. He hears a panicked cry in the pit of his stomach waiting to explode and he has to focus all his energy on not completely flip out. Chris can taste acid bile rise in his throat as he backs slowly away from the monster that is his wife. Chris is suddenly startled by the sound of clumsily stomping dead feet as the floorboards creak above him – it was then the he realised Jenny hadn’t come alone. Defeat winks at him before crushing his hope into a thousand pieces. Chris braces himself instinctively and closes his eyes as though he believes he might be able to hide from the inescapable.
HOMEWORK
Bring in narrative images for next lesson.
First person
On that warm summers day, I was walking to class when I noticed a group of people with blank, pale faces in the room studying. I walked lazily into the room. No one looked directly at me, and even if they were, they were really just looking through me. Then suddenly, I caught a glimpse of a wild animal racing across the fence as if he had seen a ghost, my heart almost skipped a beat. There were quiet whispers coming from next door as if trying to keep something hidden. Then there was the smell of chocking, black smoke coming into the room.
Third person omniscient
With a clear blue sky, the blazing sun, I was walking to class when I realised a group of people sitting in class with blank pale faces.
Walking carefully into the room not to disturb anyone, the teacher with the same pale blue face was in front of the class teaching, looking straight through me as if I wasn‘t there. Then suddenly, I caught a glimpse of a wild animal racing across the fence with loud thunderous screeching noises, he turned a corner and was out of sight, never to be seen again. Coming from the room next door, there were quiet whispers coming from the room next door as if trying to keep something from me. I heard dogs barking like crazy in the distance. That was when I had smelt something burning next door from the science room. Then my heart was racing as fast as a horse which it had almost skipped a heart beat.
Hope this is okay.
First person
On that warm summers day, I was walking to class when I noticed a group of people with blank, pale faces in the room (which room?) studying. I walked lazily into the room (don’t repeat this word). No one looked directly at me, and even if they were, they were really just looking through me (this sentence contradicts itself). Then suddenly, I caught a glimpse of a wild animal racing across the fence as if he (I would say ‘it’) had seen a ghost, my heart almost (be more definite) skipped a beat. There were (‘I could hear’) quiet whispers coming from next door as if trying to keep something hidden. Then there was the smell of chocking, black smoke coming into the room.
Third person omniscient
With a clear blue sky, the blazing sun, I (Lesley )was walking to class when I (lesley) realised a group of people sitting in class with blank pale faces.
Walking carefully into the room not to disturb anyone, the teacher with the same pale blue face was in front of the class teaching, looking straight through me (her) as if I wasn‘t there. Then suddenly, I caught a glimpse of a wild animal racing across the fence with loud thunderous screeching noises, he turned a corner and was out of sight, never to be seen again. Coming from the room next door, there were quiet whispers coming from the room next door as if trying to keep something from me. I heard dogs barking like crazy in the distance. That was when I had smelt something burning next door from the science room. Then my heart was racing as fast as a horse which it had almost skipped a heart beat.
Hope this is okay.
This is a good effort, Lesley. You haven’t quite nailed the third person omniscient though. You are not allowed to use pronouns I, me, or my. YOu should be narrating as though you are able to see inside the heads of all characters but not actually speak as though you are anyone in particular. This is why you must use character names and always remain in third person by using, he, his, him, her, she, it, they, theirs
First Person
I wake up staring at a blood stained (silhouette of a man) stood (over me, looking as) proud as the devil himself. I watch the bright red flames start to dance (it feels like I am) about to fall into the depths of hell. I hear the snapping of bones that sounded (tense) like the cracking of thunder. The pressure is weighing down on me like the deepest part of the sea. (But I manage to) stand(,) only to see a fist (hurtling) towards my face. I taste the (don’t need this definite article here – ‘I taste blood’ is fine) blood and death licks its lips while slowly crawling towards me. I respond with a scream, a scream louder than anything (I could ever describe).
3rd person Omniscient
David wakes up staring at a blood stained person who stood there acting as the devil himself. He watched (tense) the bright red flames start to dance around him like he was (is) about to fall into the depths of hell.
Chris clenched (tense) his fists as he stood above everyone. He broke (tense) their bones (how? more detail would be good here) so loudly and cruelly that it sounded (tense) like thunder. He saw (tense) David stand up and instinctively his fist (leaped towards) David’s face.
David stumbled (tense). He could taste the blood and could see death crawl slowly towards him. (His only response was) a scream, a scream louder than anything describable.
I love the line ‘I taste the blood and death licks its lips while slowly crawling towards me.’ What a great image, nice use of personification. I think the first person POV works better out of the two paragraphs; you seemed to struggle with tense the third person omniscient. Corrections have been made to the first paragraph and are visible in the brackets; I have only highlighted issues with tense in the second paragraph.
Writing Activity: The Five Senses
I see the soldiers arms shake violently as their M16 rifles fire death at frightening speed. The limp body of a young boy falls onto me as the bullets rip through him like a lion on a carcase. The smell of gunpowder and death fill the hot and dusty desert air. A barrage of bullets seep through me like (ink through blotting paper). (I feel my) life escap(ing) through what is left of my chest. As I lay there, with the rush of blood filling my gapping mouth, nothing else matters as the lives around me fade and take mine with them.
Third person omniscient
Michael sees the soldiers arms shake violently as their M16 rifles fire death at frightening speeds. John’s limp body falls onto him as the bullets rip through him like a lion’s claws through a helpless animal. He looks over and touches Sarah’s dying body. Sarah gazes at Michael with a blank stare, knowing that she(r) time is coming to an end. Michael sees Sarah’s eyes close and covers her body with his torn jacket. The smell of gunpowder and death fill the hot, dusty desert air. A barrage of bullets seeps through Michael like soldiers on firing practice. Nothing but life escapes through what is left of his chest. As he lay there, with the rush of blood filling his gapping mouth, he knows nothing else matters as the lives around him fade and take his with them.
Well done, David. You have executed the third person omniscient perfectly – it actually reads beter than the first person paragraph. I have only corrected pronoun errors in the second paragraph, see the first paragraph for other language changes. All corrections are in brackets.
Writing Task 2: Descriptive Narrative
The five senses
1. I see the wide horizontal plain of sparkling deep blue ocean water (tautology – ocean and water are the same thing) before my eyes
2. I smell the lingering salty aura of the endless water
3. I hear the violent crashes of the waves
4. I taste the delicious, alcoholic, citrus sweet drink in my hand – a (strong) margarita.
5. I feel the cool ocean on my face and in my hair
Result: I jump at the sound of the waves crashing, slip, and fall backwards.
Metaphor – Simile – Personification
1. I hear the violent crashes of the waves as they charge angrily at the rocks as if they were trying to drown them.
2. I feel the cool ocean breeze tickle my face then run through my hair.
3. I smell the lingering salty aura of the endless blue water as it enters my nose and travels though my body like a cold shiver.
The conflict
I gaze upon the wide horizontal plain of sparkling deep blue ocean water (tautology) that lays before my very eyes. The cool ocean breeze tickles my face, then runs swiftly through my hair. I touch the (strong) margarita to my mouth and (pour) it slowly down my throat. I (revel) in its delicious, alcoholic, citrus sweet taste. My head spins a bit, I wobble slightly, but I manage to compose myself and stand with my feet stable at the edge of the rocks. Stacey calls out to me from the sand, “Chelsea be careful babe”. I yell back that I am fine and that she shouldn’t worry, then I have a quick giggle to myself. I stand still for a moment, enjoying the beautiful view before me. The lingering aura of the salty, endless blue water enters my nose and travels though my body like a cold shiver. I jump at the sound of the waves violently crashing beside me, charging angrily at the rocks as if they were trying to drown them. As I jump, I lose (my footing) on the rocks beneath me and (I) fall backwards. I feel the thump of my back as it smacks against a sharp rocks; my body goes numb. I helplessly tumble off the rocks into the breaking waves. I float for a second underwater, frozen. Paralysed. I watch myself being pulled out by a wave, and in turn, thrown rapidly back in to the rocky underwater wall. My eyes rolled (wrong tense) to the back of my head and everything went (tense) dark.
Extension Activity
Chelsea gazed upon the wide horizontal plain of sparkling deep blue ocean water that layed before her very eyes. The cool ocean breeze tickles Chelsea’s face, then runs swiftly through her hair. She touches the tequila heavy margarita to her mouth and tips it slowly down her throat. Stacey watches her from the sand anxiously. She can see Chelsea wobbling slightly; she thinks she has drunk a bit too much. She really doesn’t want her to hurt herself so she calls out to Chelsea, “Be careful babe”.
Chelsea yells back, “I’m fine don’t worry”. Then giggles to herself cheekily. She stands still for a moment, enjoying the beautiful view before her. The lingering aura of the salty, endless blue water enters her nose and travels though her body like a cold shiver. Stacey watches her jump at sound of the waves violently crashing beside her, charging angrily at the rocks as if they were trying to drown them. As Chelsea jumped (tense), she lost (tense) grasp of the rocks beneath her and fell (tense) backwards. Chelsea could (tense) feel the thump of her body as it smacked (tense) against the sharp, rocky ground. Stacey reacts in shock by bolting towards Chelsea in attempt to help her. Chelsea’s body goes numb as she helplessly tumbles off the rocks into the breaking waves. She floated (tense) underwater for a second, frozen. Paralysed. Stacey came to the edge and watched helplessly as Chelsea was (is) pulled out by the monster wave and thrown back into the rocks. Chelsea’s world then turned (tense) to darkness.
This is excellent, Chelsea. I really get a good sense of where the narrative is going. The third person omniscient POV is executed perfectly, just be careful of changing tense. At points you switch to past tense when you had been writing in the present tense. See my corrections.
I hear the music blasting all around me, I’ve lost a sense (of what?) because of this and I can barely hear anything. This nightclub is loud. I walk over to order another drink; someone taps me on the shoulder and without another thought BANG! I get punched in the face. I feel darkness all around me, as if it has engulfed my soul. I wake up, and see the sun rise up welcoming the morning,
“Where am I?” (don’t put your own words in speech marks) I yelled
I quickly begin to wake from a deep sleep and feel a sharp pain all over my body, it is excruciating. I smell the sweat lingering off my battered body, it is disgusting. I taste the blood in my mouth like a piece of iron, I spat in an effort to rid the taste. (In the last four sentences you have changed tense three times) Something has happened to me, and I don’t know what, I need to get out of here. I hear the rustle of trees around me and I feel trapped, as if there is nowhere go, no way of escaping. I begin to panic, I (it) feel(s) claustrophobic.
Chris was in the latest nightclub Specks, he was casually talking to an attractive woman who (was) show(ing) (an) interest in him. He (goes) to order another drink for the woman and himself(.) Jeff; the club owner, full of aggression tapped Chris on the shoulder for his attention and punched him right in the mouth and knocked him out cold.
“That’s what you get for talking to my baby girl” said Jeff smugly.
Jeff ordered one of his club bouncers Alex to dump him in the closest forest. Alex set off into the night and dumped him into Ilex Forest. Chris woke up at sunrise, weary and daze and yelled
“Where am I?”
Chris snapped out of his daze and felt a sharp, painful (what?) all over his body as he lay in (agony). He smelt the sweat (evaporating) off his battered and frail body, it was disgusting. He (could) taste the blood in his mouth like it was a piece of iron, he spat in an effort to rid (himself) of the taste. At that moment Chris knew that something had happened to him, he may have been bashed, he was still unsure. Chris heard the rustle of the trees around him and began to feel trapped and claustrophobic.
Good effort, mate. Third person sounds much better. Everything in brackets are changes I think you should make and I have deleted words where that correction would not have made sense otherwise. Compare this to your original.
This is due tomorrow, right?
Yes this is due tomorrow.