Improving your descriptions

When writing creatively, it is hard to know what to tell the reader about the setting or the characters. Using the acronym SCUMP is a good writing tool that can help.

  • Size
  • Colour
  • Use
  • Material
  • Purpose

Lets take a simple sentence like: I took my dog for a walk in the park.

The words that need to be described in a sentence are always nouns and the verbs. In this case, dog and park are nouns and walk is a verb.

Let’s see what happens when we apply SCUMP to this sentence.

First, let’s apply the describe the Size and Colour to the first important word we come across.

I took my small, slightly tubby, dark brown dog, Billy, for a walk in the park.

Second, let’s describe the Use of the second important word we find.

I took my small, but slightly tubby, dark brown dog, Billy for a fat-fighting walk in the park.

Third, let’s describe the Material of the park and the Purpose of the walk.

I took my small, but slightly tubby, dark brown dog, Billy, for a fat-fighting walk in the exquisitely maintained park – I needed to gather my thoughts.

TASK

Use SCUMP to improve these sentences.

I placed the key in the lock of the door.

The chair creaked as I sat down and looked around the room.

“Expected the unexpected,” the officer told his men, as they stood in the airport holding their weapons.

EXTENSION

 

Take your improved sentences and change the verbs to more interesting and unusual ones.

I placed the key in the lock of the door = I poked the key in the lock of the door.

 

 

 

 

Point-of-view

Point-of-view

The point-of-view is the “head” or “camera angle” from which the action will be filtered. There are numerous points of view to choose from; I have selected the five I think are most often used:

  • First Person Point-of-view – The narrator is “I” or “we.” Only things that are heard, seen, thought or known by the narrator can be revealed: I knew I shouldn’t have let Grandma go down there. She isn’t too steady on her feet to start with, and then she gets those dizzy spells. But she insisted, and the next thing I know, she’s tumbling down the stairs like a gymnast . . .
  • Third Person Point-of-view, Controlled Consciousness – This is probably the easiest point-of-view for a beginning writer to use. Like first person, we see all the action through the eyes of a single character, and we can only see what that character sees. The difference is we use “he” or “she” instead or “I” or “we”: John knew he shouldn’t have allowed his grandmother to go down the stairs alone. She wasn’t steady on her feet and sometimes she grabbed onto the nearest object when dizziness overwhelmed her. When using a controlled consciousness point-of-view, we choose one character to experience our story through. This character is called our viewpoint character. However, we can have more than one viewpoint character in a novel. Preferably, the viewpoint character should change only at chapter or scene breaks and should never change without good reason.
  • Third Person Omniscient – God-like; the narrator knows and sees everything, and can move from one mind to another. John stood next to his grandmother. He wanted to help her down the stairs. Mrs. Smith looked at her grandson, her blue eyes sharp, and moved a strand of hair from her face. She was determined to do this on her own, to prove she wasn’t a helpless old lady . . .One word of caution: although third person omniscient allows the most flexibility, it is difficult to manage. Besides visiting the heads of different characters, we can also see into the future or see things that none of the characters can see.

Since point-of-view is one of the most difficult things a writer needs to learn, I’m going to give another, more detailed example of a scene using different viewpoints. First, I will present it in omniscient point-of-view, and then I will present the same scene in third person controlled consciousness from two different viewpoints. The trick is to recognize when we actually enter the character’s head to see, hear, feel or think something from the character’s perspective. Notice that once we enter a character’s head, we stay in his viewpoint until something prompts us to move elsewhere.

  • In the example below the first paragraph can actually be from anyone’s viewpoint, but since the scene opens with Ray, the reader will assume it will be from Ray’s perspective (therefore, it is wise to always open a scene with the viewpoint character to keep from confusing the reader).

EXAMPLE #1 – THIRD PERSON OMNISCIENT POINT-OF-VIEW:

Ray walked the mile from the hospital to Bob’s Sunoco. He found Gary in the bay, changing the oil on a pale blue Cadillac. He kicked his brother’s feet until Gary rolled from beneath the car. “We gotta talk.”

Gary wiped sweat from his eyes. It wasn’t like Ray to interrupt him at work. “I get off at three.”

“Now.”

Gary stood and wiped his hands on an oily rag. “What’s up?”

“Let’s walk.” Ray feared his brain was going to explode. Too much was going on, too many things were changing. He’d read the front page of the newspaper over and over while waiting in the doctor’s office. The Apollo 7 astronauts were heading home after eleven days in space. President Johnson was negotiating for the release of fourteen North Vietnamese POW’s. And Jackie Kennedy, the dead President’s wife, was marrying a Greek billionaire the very next day. He didn’t even know if it was legal for the President’s widow to marry a foreigner.

Gary followed Ray outside and toward town. He didn’t like it that Ray was so quiet. “What did the doctor say about Mom?”

Ray hated to break the news. “He put her in the hospital.”

Gary watched colourful leaves swirl around their ankles, the drier ones crunching under their heavy steps. He kicked them out of his way. “Why?”

“He got the tests back.”

“And?”

A young mother, her sweater flapping in the wind, pushed a baby carriage over the uneven sidewalk with one hand and pulled a stubborn toddler with the other. Ray stepped into the street to let her pass, wondering if she realized that the world had changed that day.

“What did the doctor say?” Gary repeated.

“She’s got cancer.”

As you can see, hopping from one head to another allows us to see everything each character thinks. However, it also makes it hard to empathize with any of the characters, and, when overdone, leaves the reader feeling like he’s watching a ping-pong tournament at close range. This scene could be much more powerful if it concentrated on only one person’s viewpoint.

THIRD PERSON, CONTROLLED CONSCIOUSNESS, GARY’S VIEWPOINT:

Gary scooted deeper under the Cadillac and loosened the drain plug. Heavy oil clumped out in globs, some splashing on his already-stained shirt. He scowled. Surely, people could take better care of their cars.

Something kicked at his foot. Probably the new kid again. He couldn’t do anything without asking questions. Gary set the plug aside and rolled from beneath the car.

His brother Ray waited. “We gotta talk.”

Gary swiped at the sweat on his forehead. It wasn’t like Ray to interrupt him at work. “I get off at three.”

“Now.”

Gary stood and wiped his hands on an oily rag. “What’s up?”

“Let’s walk.”

He followed Ray outside and toward town. “What did the doctor say about Mom?”

“He put her in the hospital.”

Colorful leaves swirled around their ankles, the drier ones crunching under their heavy steps. Gary kicked them out of his way. “Why?”

“He got the tests back.”

“And?”

A young mother, her sweater flapping in the wind, pushed a baby carriage over the uneven sidewalk with one hand and pulled a stubborn toddler with the other. Ray stepped into the street to let her pass.

“What did the doctor say?” Gary repeated.

“She’s got cancer.”


THIRD PERSON, CONTROLLED CONSCIOUSNESS, RAY’S VIEWPOINT:

Ray walked the mile from the hospital to Bob’s Sunoco. He found Gary in the bay, changing the oil on a pale blue Cadillac. He kicked his brother’s feet until Gary rolled from beneath the car. “We gotta talk.”

“I get off at three.”

“Now.”

Gary stood and wiped his hands on an oily rag. “What’s up?”

“Let’s walk.” Ray feared his brain was going to explode. Too much was going on, too many things were changing. He’d read the front page of the newspaper over and over while waiting in the doctor’s office. The Apollo 7 astronauts were heading home after eleven days in space. President Johnson was negotiating for the release of fourteen North Vietnamese POW’s. And Jackie Kennedy, the dead President’s wife, was marrying a Greek billionaire the very next day. He didn’t even know if it was legal for the President’s widow to marry a foreigner.

Gary followed Ray outside and toward town. “What did the doctor say about Mom?”

“He put her in the hospital.”

Colorful leaves swirled around their ankles, the drier ones crunching under their heavy steps. Gary kicked them out of his way. “Why?”

“He got the tests back.”

“And?”

A young mother, her sweater flapping in the wind, pushed a baby carriage over the uneven sidewalk with one hand and pulled a stubborn toddler with the other. Ray stepped into the street to let her pass.

“What did the doctor say?” Gary repeated.

“She’s got cancer.”

Notice that by changing our viewpoint character, we get a different account of the action. Therefore, we need to carefully choose whose viewpoint to use so we can get the greatest power from each scene.

Even within third person omniscient, we should have only one viewpoint character at a time, only one character whose thoughts and mind we visit. We have the option to change viewpoint characters, but we must do it carefully, preferably at a scene or chapter break. However, if we must switch “heads” within a scene, we should clue the reader to what we are doing and allow for a transition. I prefer to do this by ignoring the previous viewpoint character for a sentence or two, then have the new viewpoint character touch his face — rub his forehead, scratch his ear, any action as long as it involves his face or head — to clue the reader that this is our new “head.” Once the switch is made, stay with it. “Head-hopping” is confusing for the reader and should be done only when absolutely necessary.