You have done well with this essay. Your introduction flows well and you have tried to articulate the complex nature of discrimination, by highlighting the prejudice that exists among the ‘valid’ community, within the main part of your essay; however, you never really linked sound reasoning with the evidence you present. Jerome’s silver medal, and the sadness that causes, is not indicative of him being less than perfect; it is proof of the fact he has become dependant on being seen as the best and in some way discriminates against himself for what he sees as ‘failure’. When you are discussing issues make sure that your explanations are as refined as possible. You didn’t even consider the fact that Vincent’s parents chose to leave his birth to God, you just assumed that they couldn’t afford it when there is lots of evidence to suggest that their choice was a moral one rather than financial.
You make an interesting point about the ‘burden of perfection’ but I don’t think you articulate it properly. It sounds a little extreme to say that the ‘valids’ were discriminated against more than the ‘invalids’. If you can say you would rather be an ‘invalid’ than a ‘valid’ in this world, then your assertion makes sense. I think what you wanted to say was that the ‘burden’ of perfection’ was the result of a belief among this society that genes could tell us everything there is to know about a persons potential and that this belief in the prophetic power of genetic screening prevented the ‘valids’ from trying to be better than they were. If their potential had already been accurately assessed, as they all believed it had been, then there was little point in trying to get any further in life. Had you been able to articulate this you would have been able to discuss the fact that the only person who believes in himself is Vincent, the one person who has not been screened to find out what his ‘potential’ is.
You have maintained a solid structure throughout which is really pleasing but you don’t go into the question in enough detail. You could have discussed what the discrimination of this world tells us about the people in it or what it tells us about the director and his opinion on genetic engineering. You didn’t choose the best example when discussing the discrimination that occurs within the valid community, you should have spoke about Anton and Lamar’s son. You didn’t mention the words ‘valid’ or ‘invalid’ once, this is not good.
Your ideas are interesting but lack any basis in the world of the film. You spend a lot of time talking about Jerome and Vincent wanting the same thing and that Jerome had been engineered to achieve the same thing. The first part of this is correct but the suggestion that Jerome was engineered to be an astronaut threw me a little. How do we know this? Do you think all modified people are engineered for this purpose in their society? You then spent time listing the similarities between Vincent and Jerome but this isn’t the point of the question. The point is to discuss how they came to share the same dream and how their relationship develops during the film.